Diary, January 1898
NP
January 1-21, 1898
Previously unpublished.
Sabbath, January 1, 1898
Sunnyside, Cooranbong, New South Wales
I have not strength to attend meeting. This is our quarterly meeting, the services of the ordinance—feet washing and sacramental service. The meeting was excellent. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 1
Sunday, January 2, 1898
Stanmore, Sydney, New South Wales
Brother and Sister Hughes, W. C. White, Sara McEnterfer, and I took the train at Dora Creek for Sydney. There was a very long train of cars, and another, the excursion train, followed, crowded. It was evening, for we needed every moment of time in our home. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 2
[Pages for January 3, 4, and 5, headed Stanmore, Sydney, but there are no entries.] 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 3
[Page for January 6, headed Cooranbong. No entry.] 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 4
Friday, January 7, 1898
Cooranbong, New South Wales
In the early morning we decided to see if we could find peaches. Professor Hughes and his wife accompanied W. C. White and his mother to Martinsville. We called at several places, but were unsuccessful in obtaining fruit. We returned quite weary but we went again, W. C. White and his wife May and their twin boys, to Brother Parcels to see if they had any fruit. The road was very rough. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 5
Sabbath, January 8, 1898
Cooranbong, New South Wales
We attended Sabbath meeting. Willie opened the meeting, giving out a hymn, then we had a season of prayer and I spoke to the people from Revelation 3. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 6
January 9, 1898
Cooranbong, New South Wales
This day has been quite warm and debilitating. I have written several pages. Had an interview with Professor Hughes, W. C. White being present. After the interview they went over to the school to meet the board. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 7
Monday, January 10, 1898
Sunnyside, Cooranbong
Went with my horses and surrey to meet Elder Haskell, coming on the train to attend board meeting. Riding home he gave me the information that ten more had been baptized, and another baptism would take place soon. There are more than forty who are keeping the Sabbath. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 8
I attended board meeting with W. C. White and Brother and Sister Haskell. I feel strongly. I fear there will be brought in many branches of work without proper ability to carry these things. We cannot perform our work on the books we desire to prepare if our minds are diverted to so many things. I wish to get into some retired spot, where I shall not see and hear, and my mind be exercised on, school work. I want rest in spirit. I am too old to be stirred up so much on various things. I long to commune with God, and my aspirations rise above earthly, temporal things, not occasionally but habitually. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 9
Oh, for sweet quietude of mind. I try to stimulate my soul, saying, Believe; believe in Christ Jesus. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Through Him and Him alone is our salvation. He will guide us amid difficulties. He will help us. I will endeavor to follow Him in humble, practical obedience, through glens of trial, but walking where Christ leads the way. “I am,” He says, “at your right hand.” [See Psalm 110:5.] I will trust in Thee, my Saviour. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 10
Tuesday, January 11, 1898
Sunnyside, Cooranbong
Brother and Sister Haskell are still here; will not leave until the evening train. I had some conversation with them, and I learn they are desirous to be left free and not engage in the school this coming term. There are circumstances that make this coming term a dread to them, and I cannot take the responsibility of urging their serving under the present circumstances. Brother Haskell should be relieved from such a monotonous life. The labor in the school is not light, and the care and burdens will be taxing for Brother and Sister Haskell. It can be made very hard for them, and I will not use my influence to have them engage in the responsibilities that will come upon them if they consent to serve. The Lord understands all this, and if He would have them fasten themselves in this school term that commences next April, then He will teach them. I leave the matter wholly with the Lord. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 11
Some way I am much depressed, and I feel as I imagine a person must feel who is lost in the woods. And now I shall stop right where I am and release myself from every responsibility possible, connected with the school. May the Lord clear my pathway. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 12
I am rejoiced in heart that forty have taken their stand upon the platform of eternal truth in Stanmore. This is indeed a matter of rejoicing. I call to mind the promise, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 13
I certainly carry a very heavy heart. I dare scarcely speak. I dare not determine now what I will do. There are given to us exceeding great and precious promises, not simply that we may obtain divine gifts, but that we may have the mind of Christ and be partakers of the divine nature, firm in principle, steadfast in faith, unswerving in truth and virtue, unshaken in truth and loyalty to God. Oh, help me to see my way clear! I now am feeling it is my duty to go to America. My spirit cannot rest here. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 14
Wednesday, January 12, 1898
Sunnyside, Cooranbong
I arose with a pain in my heart. Nature’s forces seem ready to stand still. I am troubled, perplexed, distressed. I see I must unload from the responsibilities I have borne. I am willing, gladly willing, to do this. But an unnatural something is upon me. I feel cut away from everything in connection with the school, and as I look over the matter, from the very first of the selection of the land, it has been one continual wrestling and struggle. Now I carry the burden no longer. I shake myself free from controversies of persons and things. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 15
I accompanied W. C. White and Brother Sister Haskell to the station. My heart was full of pain that it is impossible for me to describe. I seem to be like one cut away from all things here in connection with the school, and that means that I shall not take the responsibility in any of their devising. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 16
I take up my work which the Lord has given me to do to bring before the people all things that He has given. Gather up the fragments, let nothing be lost. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 17
I feel no harmony with the course Brother Hare has pursued toward Brother and Sister Haskell. He has walked toward them in the light of the sparks of his own kindling, fanned by Brother Skinner and his wife. The Lord has not been leading him in his spirit and in his attitude toward the plan and execution of the designs in building the meetinghouse. He has followed his impulses and lost a rich blessing and experience which he might have gained, but did not obtain. He might have listened to the counsel of God but chose to follow his own wisdom and revealed the determination of a mind that God was not working. This has been to me a great and sad trial, because he has been losing ground at every step. But all I could do was to move after the counsel given me of God. If he chooses to follow his own mind and stand aloof, he can and must suffer the results. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 18
Thursday, January 13, 1898
Sunnyside, Cooranbong
This morning I was awakened at half past one o’clock. I could not sleep, and, after trying some little time arose and dressed, and took hold of my writing. My heart is very sick and sore. I see nothing that I can do. I take my load and lay it at the feet of Jesus, and for my own peace of mind and rest of soul I hope never to have to take this burden of the school again. It is not consistent I should do this. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 19
I now go to my writing. When the Lord opens the way for me to go elsewhere, I am all ready to say, Here am I, send me. I must, if possible, be where these perplexities shall not rest upon my soul, where it is not the first thought in my waking hours. May the Lord give me peace and rest and freedom from the burdens I have borne is my prayer. My mind is free in writing, and henceforth this shall be the burden of my work. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 20
I know too well every step I have traveled since I have been in Cooranbong. I have been willing to shoulder any responsibilities, but now I will not have these things in my mind. The wrestling part that has been forced upon me since I have been here God has helped me to bear, and now I know that I have moved in connection with Brother and Sister Haskell in the counsel of God. There have been elements to deal with that have cost me a great deal of burden, and yet I have steadfastly walked in the way the Lord has pointed out, and it has not been to harmonize with the elements of mind and characters which were connected with the school, for the light given me of God was opposed to their course of action and brought me in collision with them. They feel they are the ones to be aggrieved because not treated wisely. They offend God, and I want not to connect with them in any way. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 21
Friday, January 14, 1898
Sunnyside, Cooranbong
I arose at half past three. I thank the Lord for the peace and rest I had in sleep last night, but my heart is sore. It pains me and yet I will not murmur or complain. I am sure the Lord would not have me wrestling and pressing and urging my way through so many minds that seem not to have the same working as my mind has had. As I reason from cause to effect, I know that the way of the Lord has been followed in the management of the school. I expected there would be elements that would not harmonize, for it was contrary to all their previous experience their whole life long. Therefore, I am sure that these elements have had need of converting, but as long as they cannot understand this, they will develop their traits of character and will criticize and find mistakes in the management of the school. They will talk and will make it appear that there are mistakes, when the Lord has been guiding in the management. The Korah, Dathan, and Abiram experience will be developed by those who have need themselves to change their thoughts, their attitude in every way, in order to work successfully in Christ’s lines. Philippians 2:1-5. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 22
Sabbath, January 15, 1898
Sunnyside, Cooranbong
I did not attend meeting. W. C. White spoke to the people. There was a good attendance. I wrote some on Sabbath. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 23
Sunday, January 16, 1898
It has rained on Sunday. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 24
Monday, January 17, 1898
I have had a very hard night. I wrote much through the day and when night came was weary. The American mail goes tomorrow morning. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 25
I had a severe chill and could not get free from the chilling sensation until about midnight. Then perspiration came and I was relieved. I wrote seven pages this morning. Willie White, his wife May, the twin boys, and I accompanied Willie to Dora Creek to take the train from Dora Station to Sydney. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 26
My heart is very much depressed. I am in great perplexity in regard to my duty. I have a perfect dread to be so near the school that I shall be compelled to see and hear every disadvantageous thing concerning it. I have involved myself thousands of dollars in debt, but this will not trouble me if there is a proper appreciation of what the school should be, and the management it should have. When I know the Lord has wrought by His miracle-working power, and has given counsel at every step as to how the work should advance on the grounds at Cooranbong. There have been some in the school who aid some not in the school who have opened their mouths to speak against the very ones the Lord has specified should carry the burden of management. They themselves were not in lining connection with God, but they were not prepared for just that kind of management that was carried on in the school. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 27
It is altogether easier to find fault and point out what they call mistakes than to stand shoulder to shoulder with those who carry the burdens. This always has been and always will be. But there are those who listen and are impressed with the words of disparagement spoken. The Lord has pointed out their errors and their defects which needed to be corrected. If there had not have been a necessity to guard against mistakes they were making, then there would not have been constant watchfulness and devising and planning that the wrong influence should not be given to the school by the teachers in the school. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 28
Tuesday, January 18, 1898
Sunnyside, Cooranbong
Tuesday morning. Brother Goodheart went on morning train to Sydney. I rode down to the Dora Creek station. He was only just in time. I see the wrong of waiting till the last moment of time and driving the horse as fast as he can go up hill and down. Here, I see, must be a reform. Only twenty minutes to go three miles with three passengers and the luggage. Why should we not, as the Lord’s human agents, consider these things? “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” Matthew 5:48. We must plan so as to reveal wise management. This failure was not the error of Brother Goodheart. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 29
Wednesday, January 19, 1898
Sunnyside, Cooranbong
Wednesday has been a very busy day, canning fruit. All our fruit is now canned, and apparently put up with excellent skill. I have been writing all day, very busily. But I am glad I can write, for if I could not do this, and should think, think, think, I should soon become confused in regard to the light and the experience the Lord has given me in the past year. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 30
I now seem to feel that I shall have to go to America and bear my testimony once more to the people there. I have representations of speaking to large crowds. But I am now fully convinced I must not link myself up with any of my relatives, however near and close is the relationship. I can see that I must stand alone from brethren or relatives. If the Lord gives me a message to His people, it may not be best for it to come before any human eyes that are related to me. The Word of the Lord must be kept pure and unobstructed. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 31
I see that there are many who are unconverted, and yet others do not see it thus. Unless God’s will be our law, unless at all costs we are ready to obey His counsel in His strength, then we are not converted. All who are converted will walk in newness of life. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 32
I look at Paul, the great apostle, who wrote the biography of Timothy. That tribute keeps the memory of the young man chosen of God very precious. “Ye know the proof of him, that, as a son with the father, he hath served with me in the gospel.” Philippians 2:22. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 33
“This is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.” John 17:3. This knowledge I must have, and I am more than ever convinced I must separate from every relationship, else I shall be in danger of coming to take the judgment and opinions of men and those who are very dear to me. This is the impression that came to me that has confused my senses and brought me into controversy with myself and has been the most acute trial of my life. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 34
Thursday, January 20, 1898
Sunnyside, Cooranbong
It was an oppressive night, but I slept quite well, for which I am thankful. Awoke at three a.m. Looking to the Lord and thanking His holy name for His goodness to me, I commenced my writing. But I am passing through an experience that is intensely trying to me, to feel that I must stand alone, that for some reasons I cannot do otherwise. I should lose the courage and clearness of the light God has given me to give to others. I should, if I accept the ideas of things presented before me, have to question all the leadings of God in the past year. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 35
I must avoid controversy and contention. There is only one way to place myself, if possible, where I shall not be under the painful necessity of moving counter to the opinions and ideas of those connected with me by relationship. There must be a standing alone, depending on no man’s judgment or woman’s opinions. Those who have always been in harmony with correct ideas are not so now. I must have nothing come between me and the voice of God. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 36
In conversion there are always advanced steps to take. The truth is to come in clear, distinct forms, and the words to which we must listen and respond are, Lord, what wilt Thou have me to do? I see that there are those who have claimed and are claiming to believe the truth who are not converted and sanctified through the truth. Truly converted souls will prove the reality of their convictions by prompt and perfect obedience. They will see and understand that they must put no obstacles in their own way, through hereditary or cultivated tendencies, that they shall not receive the blessings the Lord has for them. They will not allow a child, or wife, or friend, or dearest relative to stand between them and the blessings they have coveted. All will be pushed aside that will retard their spiritual progress in Christ Jesus. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 37
Friday, January 21, 1898
Sunnyside, Cooranbong
I slept well during the night, but there is a strong, dull pain in my heart which makes me feel miserable. But I thank the Lord because I can trust in Him and I see I can trust and rely upon no human being. I must seek the Lord for myself, and trust in Him and hide myself in God. I feel cut away from every human support. When there is human judgment in deciding matters, and I know these decisions are largely molded by other persons’ opinions whom I know take a superficial view of Christian experience, and their opinions and ideas have not depth and correctness; and yet these are considered to be safe teachers of our youth, I have a duty to do at my age—withdraw myself. The greater distance that I can be from the school, the more safe will it be for me in every way. I cannot be where there is a constant burden upon my soul. I must be where I will not have to press through a mass of rubbish of opinion and ideas and sentiments received in education that are not sound. 13LtMs, Ms 180, 1898, par. 38