Distressed Over Problems and Duties

This, her conversion, was the beginning of an unusual Christian experience for a child. There were further lessons for her to learn, however. She was confused by the theological discussions she heard regarding justification and sanctification, intimating that there was some experience characterized by great joy, which she despaired of reaching. She was troubled because some who made the greatest claims to sanctification manifested a bitter spirit toward those who believed in the soon coming of Jesus, and because some ministers opposed this scriptural hope.AGP 268.2

The preaching of an eternally burning hell was a source of anguish to her mind. She could not reconcile this doctrine with the love and tenderness of God. Of this she says:AGP 268.3

“I thought that the fate of the condemned sinner would be mine, to endure the flames of hell forever, even as long as God Himself existed. This impression deepened upon my mind until I feared that I would lose my reason. I would look upon the dumb beasts with envy, because they had no soul to be punished after death….

“Total darkness settled upon me and there seemed no way out of the shadows. Could the truth have been presented to me as I now understand it, my despondency would have taken flight at once, much perplexity and sorrow would have been spared me. If the love of God had been dwelt upon more and His stern justice less, the beauty and glory of His character would have inspired me with a deep and earnest love for my Creator.” The Ministry of Healing, 153.

An impression that it was her duty to offer public prayer in one of the prayer meetings added to her distress of mind. So timid and shrinking was she that she suffered keenly at the thought. Fearful of becoming confused, she shrank from it as a dread ordeal. But so strong was the impression that she felt she was willfully displeasing God in refusing to pray. This led to another period of utter despair, of which she says:AGP 269.1

“For three long weeks no ray of light pierced the gloom that encompassed me about. My sufferings of mind were intense. Sometimes for a whole night I would not dare to close my eyes, but would wait until my twin sister was fast asleep, then quietly leave my bed and kneel upon the floor, praying silently with a dumb agony that cannot be described. The horrors of an eternally burning hell were ever before me. I knew that it was impossible for me to live long in this state, and I dared not die and meet the terrible fate of the sinner. With what envy did I regard those who realized their acceptance with God. How precious did the Christian’s hope seem to my agonized soul.” The Ministry of Healing, 154.