Ms 94, 1900

Diary, June 1900

NP

June 2-20, 1900

Portions of this manuscript are published in 4Bio 445.

I cannot sleep after half past eleven o’clock. I tried to sleep, but it was impossible. I arose, committed my soul to God in prayer for heavenly wisdom, and commenced writing.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 1

Saturday, June 2, 1900

Cooranbong

Written after the Sabbath. I find this day is a day of heart suffering and great feebleness. I did hope strength would come that I could attend services today, but I feel as a wilted plant, unable even to walk across the room. Well, I can put my trust in One who knows all things and knows just how to deal with His people. I love the Lord. I see in my Saviour everything that is good and beneficial and lovely, and I am beseeching the Lord for strength and greater power of His grace that I may communicate the same. I long after the salvation of God. I see a great work to be done for the Lord. And I must hold the word of the Lord which comes to me. In (Isaiah 54) are the words spoken for this time for the Lord’s messengers.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 2

Sunday, June 3, 1900

Cooranbong

I cannot sleep after one o’clock. I have many things on my mind which are of deep interest to the people of God. I am writing by lamplight. If the word of the Lord is not sufficient, what words could be sufficiently strong, what words could be employed to make it stronger? It is a sign between Me and you throughout your generations for a perpetual covenant.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 3

Thursday, June 7, 1900

Sunnyside, Cooranbong

I feel thankful for a night’s rest. I am some stronger. My head and heart trouble me. It is not right. Head has been worked too severely.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 4

Saturday, June 9, 1900

Sunnyside, Cooranbong

Written after Sabbath. I did not attend meeting today. I longed to go but dared not. The weakness of exhaustion was upon me. The labors of the past month, speaking both Sabbath and Sunday, could have been better borne if I could have had an accommodating bed; but after riding twenty-seven miles I was unable to rest because of my lame hip—which I have had to tend carefully for twenty-five years. It will not bear rough usage, and sleep is impossible upon a hard bed.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 5

Want of sleep because of the great burdens I am bearing for the churches both in Australia and America has now manifested to me that I need to be as quiet as possible and rest a while. When I saw this morning that the mere preparation for meeting set my heart in such violent action, I said, I will not be presumptuous. The Lord has workmen upon this ground who will act faithfully their part. I cannot, dare not, make the effort to brace myself up and risk the consequence. I have done the best I could do under the circumstances. Now I record my decision not to attend the meeting and [to] remain at home. This requires bravery and self-denial on my part. Were I in some place where there was need, special need, of my work, I would have spoken to the people today.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 6

I have had my fears, as I have labored in weakness so constantly with speaking and writing and with limited sleep, that when the Week of Prayer should come I would be unable to act a part. I can say my work has been done both in writing and speaking up to date as thoroughly as I have ever worked, realizing the sustaining power of God in a marked manner. Now I shall feel at rest, and rest in a clear conviction that I am doing the only thing possible for me to do and regain strength for further action. The work of God is a sacred work, and we cannot put in it any weakness because of lack of physical strength. I know that there is unfitting of one’s self for duty by over anxiety, and when one has done his best through the help God has graciously given, then I for one must not be restless but let others carry the burdens; and I must say, The Lord knoweth I am His weary, tired child and need rest. When He would have me again in active labor He will give fortitude, courage, physical and spiritual strength, to do the work in His name.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 7

Sunday, June 10, 1900

Cooranbong

I am no stronger today to labor than yesterday. My mind is wrought up, and the cause of God and what ought to be done in right lines trouble me wonderfully. I am unable to sleep the hours I should. I dare not, in my present condition, attend the meeting to act any part.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 8

My head is so very weary, unable to bear any taxation of writing. I have now to learn a new part in my experience: that is, to submit to physical weakness and mental feebleness. I am unable even to sit at the table with the family or listen to the voices of members of my family. A great weakness is upon me. Some things come to me which I must meet, and every jot of increased strength must not be drawn upon to do anything that would make me nervous. I could write some things placed before me in letters and then, when the letter was briefly answered, I could not trace another sentence. I had just that strength to meet the occasion.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 9

Wakeful for hours in the night, I was devoted to earnest prayer with something of an agonizing sense of what had been presented before me one and two months before in broad daylight. I was in several meetings of such a painful character that I had not power of language to describe. It was the position taken by one of high position of trust who was in a meeting with his associates. This man was in a marked manner left to work out his own mind and his own human principles to oppress one of our colleges in America. This sight held me as a helpless spectator to a scene which was to be known by me for some purpose. I could not speak of this to anyone, for it was too painful for me.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 10

Again the matter was presented, and I was strengthened to take in the situation. I was instructed that such things would come in as temptations to every institution; that there would be men who would not in all their movements have confidence in the warnings the Lord had given, and feel thankful that God has thoughts of mercy upon them, and follow the light God had given them. Spiritual discernment given of God would be removed, and their own natural temperament of character would be developed. Their movements would be spasmodic. They would move extravagantly in some kinds of work, and other work of the greatest importance for time and for eternity would be disregarded, ignored by human wisdom. The Lord had not the ruling and control of the mind. These things bore with fearful might upon my soul. I could only see and hear and understand the spirit that characterized the action. God was not in the matter.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 11

Monday, June 11, 1900

Cooranbong

I cannot but praise God for His goodness and mercies and blessings which are coming to the school and to the church. The Spirit of the Lord has come into the school and the report is that every student is now professedly Christians. May the Lord bless them and sanctify them and refine them by His Holy Spirit, that they may from henceforth reveal the character of the only true Model which is the character of Christ. I have still an aching head and cannot write the things I would be pleased to write.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 12

Wednesday, June 13, 1900

I am gaining a little strength, for which I praise the Lord. I heard W. C. White read a letter from Brother John Wessels from Africa. He says he must remain in Africa but that Elder Daniells did not prove to be the man he thought he was. Some remarks were made in reference to the state of things in Africa, and I felt very much oppressed. I knew then I must write that which I dreaded very much to write. I must speak of things which had taken place in Africa.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 13

Friday, June 15, 1900

Cooranbong

I awoke this morning with most earnest longing after the Lord. There are many things that I write that are misinterpreted to mean something entirely different from what I had in mind, [so] that I have thought I should be forced to the conclusion to write only those testimonies which will be in print and come before all. I write special matter and it comes back to me—one half the matter stated that is favorable to some individual judgment and personal opinion, and the other half, that would make that half sensible and important, is left away, disconnected from the parts which, if united, would make an entirely different showing. The Bible is handled in much the same way.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 14

Tuesday, June 19, 1900

Tuesday. Awakened at half past two o’clock a.m. I did not understand that African mail must go Tuesday morning until yesterday about four o’clock. I could not use my brain to write but a few lines. In the night season some things were opened before me, and the necessity of writing was pressed upon my soul.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 15

Wednesday, June 20, 1900

Mail has today been sent to America. These are always taxing days for me.15LtMs, Ms 94, 1900, par. 16